Life before n after marriage....

A deep dive and understanding.....

As some of you know am a therapist too. I am going to narrate the issue of a client of mine (taken his permission...no names and certain things were tweaked to keep the secrecy) who came to me with a very stressful married life. He felt he had to put on a face at home and compromise/adjust a lot...

This client of mine was referred to me by another happy client of mine. This guy is in his mid 40s..In my first intake session he told me about the issue he is having with his wife. This person, during his bachelorhood was a different guy, like many of us. This guy climbed up the corporate ladder very quickly and became VP of an FMCG at the age of 35....very successful and well respected in the industry and in his company too (incidentally I knew his boss too and once heard his boss talking very high of this guy). At the same time, he used to also have a great time with his friends and family. He was born with 3 sisters and 2 brothers. 6 in total and very closely knit family. Also a vibrant friends circle....he fell in love with a girl who was working with competition(!). They met in some industry meeting and started seeing each other...this guys family was very supportive but the girls side was not in favor....but finally after lots of persuasion-done by his elder sister and elder brother with the parents of the girl-they got married. This girl had a brother and a sister but was raised in a protective environment...and she was the last child to the parents and hence lot more pampering than the other two...After these two got married, life was very rosy with periodical visits by friends and family members and our guy was all euphoric with life. The woman was also very fond of him.

But the girl started getting a bit frustrated and indifferent with his friends and family members especially the sisters.....and even in his friend circle she started disliking many of them. This guy never bothered initially and used to call them on weekends or go to their place to spend time....not much of drinking but lots of fun together. Since both of them earned well, they had a cook, maid n driver et al. Very comfy life....two kids were born too.....but the issue with the wife became worse as she started disliking anything from his side so much so she stopped eating things coming from his sisters home and also some of the friends....but never shown this dislike outside. She decided to take a break from her professional life and since this guy was well established and climbing up the ladder well, it didnt matter. This guy enjoyed being with his friends and family but many a times the wife refused to go with him, making it embarrassing for this guy.....and over a period of time, many of his friends realised this guy would come alone only for the parties and accepted it....but it didnt leave a good feel....he tried reasoning with her but in vain....so to cut the long story short, while professional life was beautiful and rewarding personal life-as he wanted it to be-was frustrating for him and also for the wife. As per him, the wife should have given him the space as he felt, she is happy being at home with the kids....but she cribbed a lot and finally started abusing friends and his sisters which this guy could not take....this led to lots of fights/stress/sleeplessness/sloppy in the office and finally the visit to me....

After the 'take in', I made it clear to him that his wife also should come for the therapy as I wanted to hear her side of the story....I dont want to get in to the details of the therapy but I figured out there was underlying deep love between these two and I worked on the therapy based on that....the issue was between 'protectionism' and 'liberalism'. The women's problem was 'possesiveness' but the guy wanted lot of people around.....its not that they have not gone on holiday together or spent time together but the women felt there should be no one else other than her who could be so close to him....this guy grew up with lot of people around and also at home it was always fun n frolic before marriage. His argument was that his understanding of life and how he wants to live is curbed by this woman. He is committed to her but he wants to enjoy the life outside of the family too....and he told me in her presence....'when i was single, I never bothered to ask my friends or my family members whether I can drop in? I would just go there, eat whatever was available and sleep where ever space was....also with my friends no inhibition....we used to wear others clothes, use others towels, shaving razors and live the life of 'foot loose fancy free'....and i enjoyed every moment of that....today I feel very stifled....I am expected to be formal which is alien to me and I feel terrible to put on a face which is not mine....even when I go to my in laws place, my wife advices me how I have to behave....and I get stressed because of this and it I become cold and unsocial.....this is not me....I dont like this way of living'.....when he said this the inner child in him was so open and obvious and tears rolled down....his wife sat motionless listening to this outbursts....I let go off the steam of the guy and started the session with the wife....she was brought up in a different environment where everything was formal and nothing happens without others knowledge et al...a typical conservative family but outwardly all smiling and hanging out with friends et al. But the DNA of her was 'orthodox and formal'.....initially after the wedding, the other part of her started enjoying the husbands circle but the inner children in her kept popping out and making her feel 'guilty'....this led to eruption of anger and disgust....she felt her space was taken by the husbands sisters and friends and the IC in her started sulking.....this led to more fights, tears and continued.....

The regression therapy worked well for both of them as one after another the inner children kept coming out crying, complaining n sulking....every IC that came out was healed and integrated with the adult....(technicalities).....but at the end of the sessions the wife realised how her IC took over and the logic behind her behaving like a child.....I have also done similar therapy to the guy and healed his IC.....finally since there was love between these two, they decided to live reconcile and lead a life of joy and happiness and give enough space to the other person and allow that person to enjoy his time with those he wants to enjoy with....this lady realised how important it is to live the life by practicing detached attachments...and also identify the inner children (IC), bring them out, understand the issue as an adult, get the IC healed and integrate the IC with the current day adult. (I have explained this Inner Children in a video a couple of years ago...you can watch this on YouTube). The same for the guy too....but this issue is not just confined to these two...I had come across many such cases as a therapist and my question to the couple would always be whether there is love between them....If there is love anything is reconcilable....

Also the DNA factor.....this is pure science....not metaphysics....the DNA of men and women dates back to stone age where the primary responsibility of men was to protect those inside the caves from the external miscreants that includes deadly animals...his job was action oriented...protect, destroy miscreants and provide raw materials....the women inside the cave have to ensure the inmates are fed with whatever raw materials she got....and it is 'process' based....if you corelate these two factors....men are action oriented and women are process oriented....and it continued for centuries and still continuing....since men are action oriented, they follow the Nike tag line 'just do it' and forget after done....and leave the rest to the home maker....they go to office, work, earn money and come back home and relax....thats the DNA.....and women they process whatever is given to them....for example, if there was a fight in the morning and the husband said something like 'my mom makes better sambhar'....he would have just made this statement as a 'matter of fact' and left it there....the wife against whom this is said, would not have reacted immediately as this is, at the time of utterance, was just raw vegetable....it takes time for the raw vegetable to process inside her....the husband comes back in the evening and typical conversation would be 'why did you say that in the morning?'....typical answer...'what did I say?'....because he would have said many a things from morning till his return to his base, to different people and may not remember many a things of what he uttered....'you said your mom makes better sambhar'....'oh, did I....so what?'.....the fight would then start till one of them give up....usually it would be the husband as he has to get on with life and probably watch the EPL or IPL....

Today things are changing....women are also becoming action oriented as they keep climbing up the ladder and in the process they sometime suppress the 'process' DNA but it would keep popping up....Men whether employed or not employed, senior leader or just an officer, this 'action' DNA keep popping up.....

It would take probably a century for the DNA to dissipate...till then life would be easier and enjoyable if the partners understand the DNA and IC factor. Life means different things for different people.

So sharing the therapist's wisdom...but before that pl understand that therapy is customised and not 'one size fits all'....

The general wisdom now.....before you get in to a wedlock, pl spend enough time with your fiancee, understand every iota of that person, likes, dislikes, IC, family members, friends circle, body odour and the inner self....tough one but make efforts to do this....even if you crack 60% of the above and still love that person go ahead and get married...otherwise dump that person and start the process all over.....

And in general, pl live your life....want to go to your friends home and spend time, do it....want to visit your folks, pl do it.....want to spend time all by yourself pl do it.....give importance to what the gut feels and says....make it simple....because the 'GUT' never fails us....

If there is an issue pl accept....if you have to go for counselling pl do....mind matters....when you have a problem with any body part you would not hesitate to visit a physician....like that if there is an issue with your mental stability, pl accept and visit a therapist....

Cheers for a freaky living....god bless.